Personalization

As you begin to think about personalizing the funeral, turn your thoughts to your memories of the person who died. Think about his or her qualities and what he or she meant to others. Consider his or her passions, hobbies, pastimes, likes, and dislikes. You might try making a list of the following:

• attributes or passions of the person who died
• special memories to share
• achievements of the person who died
• important people to include somehow

Once you’ve given thought to the unique life and personality of the person who died, it’s time to incorporate those memories into the funeral plan. Be creative as you, together with your family, friends, funeral director, and the person who will lead the service, brainstorm how to remember and honour this special person. A good way to personalize the funeral is to personalize the common elements of funeral ceremonies:

• the visitation
• the eulogy
• the music
• the readings
• the procession
• the committal service
• the gathering or reception

Each of these elements can be personalized in many ways. For example, at the visitation, you could set up a display of photos, memorabilia, collections, or artwork. You could do the same at the gathering following the ceremony. Choose music that was meaningful to the person who died or to your family. Select poetry and other readings that speak to the life of this unique person. Ask the people who were closest to the person who died to participate by playing music, giving readings, being pallbearers, making food for the gathering-whatever suits their own unique talents.

The funeral service you have should be as special as the life you will be remembering. Here are a few more ideas:

• Write a personalized obituary. Some newspapers allow you to express a little more than the usual who/what/why/where/when. Appoint a creative “word” person in the family to handle this task.
• Create a column in the guest book for people to jot down a memory after they sign their names.
• Display personal items or hobby paraphernalia on a table at the visitation, the ceremony, and/or the gathering afterward.
• Choose clothing for the person who died that reflects his or her life, interests, passions, etc. The clothing needn’t be formal or somber!
• Create a personalized program for the ceremony. You can include photos, poems, anecdotes-whatever you’d like! Your funeral director can help you with this.
• Show a videotape or slide show of the person’s life during the funeral. Pictures tell a thousand words!
• Ask children if they would like to write a letter or draw a picture of the person who died. Their “goodbyes” can then be placed in the casket alongside the body.
• Select flowers that were meaningful to the person who died. A simple arrangement of freshly-cut lilacs, for example, might be perfect.
• At the funeral, invite people to write down a memory of the person who died. Appoint someone to gather and read the memories aloud.
• Create a funeral that captures the personality of the person who died. If he was zany, don’t be afraid to use humor. If she was affectionate, have everyone stand up and hug the person next to them during the ceremony.
• Display photos of the person who died at the visitation, the ceremony, and/or the gathering. In fact, putting together a photo collage can be a very healing experience for the family in the days before the funeral.
• Use lots of music, especially if the music was meaningful to the person who died or is to your family. Music can be played at the visitation, the committal service, and the gathering as well as the funeral service itself!
• Create a personalized grave marker. Include a poem, a drawing, or a short phrase that defines the person who died.

I hope you have been encouraged in your efforts to create a personalized funeral ceremony. While it may seem overwhelming right now, we promise you this: a well-planned, inclusive, personalized funeral will touch your family, the friends of the person who died and you yourself deeply. The funeral will help you begin to heal and will provide you with great comfort and satisfaction in the months and years to come.